is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
