I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
