I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
