You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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