stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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