I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
