The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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