yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
