My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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