i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
