I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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