just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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