I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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