if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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