Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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