I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
