Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
