I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
