Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
