how can u be prego again
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
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