Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
whose parrot is this?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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