Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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