Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
