dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
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