i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
