I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
