dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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