I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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