New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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