I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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