Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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