Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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