i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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