Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
