My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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