Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
