Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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