this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
did i just pee glitter
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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