I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
