It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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