I faked an abortion last night.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
