after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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