i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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