Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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