This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
