When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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