I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
