My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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