Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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