I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
