I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
