Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
