Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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