someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
