I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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