I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Pants are for mortals
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
